2005-09-09 - 11:18 p.m.
Bush Declares 'US War on Weather'
Houston (MN) -- President Bush, speaking today at the Astrodome to thousands of refugees fleeing the wake of hurricane Katrina, pledged to avenge the destruction of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast by waging a global war on weather.
Bush defended himself against critics who say that the federal reaction to the crisis was too slow in coming. "We can't sit on the defensive, hiding behind our floodwalls and our barrier islands, just waiting for weather to come to us. Instead, we must as a nation expend our effort to root out weather where it starts."
"No one could have forseen this unspeakable, cowardly act of weather. No one a week ago would have thought that a hurricane would hit the Gulf Coast. Now, however, newly aware of the danger we are in, we must attack weather at its root."
Bush dismissed calls to strengthen the nations flood control works and coastal infrastructure, calling that an "August 29th mindset." Instead, Bush planned dispatching the entire Air Force fleet to fly clockwise of the coast of West Africa from June through October, as well as a new "Cloud Wars" system designed to intercept and neutralize any incoming hurricanes using an elaborate system of copper needles, neutron bombs, and seeing-eye dogs. Bush also pledged to continue his plan to raise the global temperature, using heat to drive hurricanes from their tropical hideouts.
"People of New Orleans: I hear you, and the whole world hears you. I pledge to you, I swear to you, I will not stop, until we have rid the world of the scourge of weather."
